Work, difficulty & happiness
Yesterday I gave a talk at phil&teds about overcoming difficulty and finding happiness at work.
I spoke a little bit about my experience with cancer, but mostly focused on what it was like coming back to work after my treatment, and some of the thoughts & feelings I went through over time at work.
Coming back to work after an illness is a challenge that many different people have talked with me about, or written to me about. And over the last year it has helped me to hear their perspective.
I thought I'd share my talk notes here too. The talk was really in two parts, so here's Part One first, and I'll post Part Two later this week.
--- PART ONE ----
I’ve got lots of different passions, and one of them is being outside amongst nature, and in the mountains.
The other day I met an 8 times Coast-to-Coaster. (The Coast to Coast is an extremely challenging multi-sport adventure race, from the beach of New Zealand's southern West Coast to the beach of its East Coast, across rugged mountains, rivers & plains).
We were talking about work & life, and swapped a few stories, and after a while our conversation went something like this:
"I don’t get it - Why do you have an ordinary desk-job?"
At first I gave him the short answer: that phil&teds is no ordinary company, and phil&teds people are no ordinary people.
At which point he pressed: Why do you go to work every day?
And then I thought: I’m going to have to give you the long answer, aren’t I?
So today I’m going to share with you the long answer.
About 4 weeks after starting my new job at phil&teds, I found out I had head & neck cancer. It was in the lymph system in my neck, through my jaw and in my tongue. To maximise my chance of surviving, I’d need a treatment involving an 8 hour surgery, four days in intensive care, recovery, then radiation treatment and chemotherapy. There was no guarantee that any of this would work, and if it did, there was a fair chance my quality of life would be impacted, including my ability to speak, and my ability to work.
I remember feeling guilty about having just started at phil&teds and then having to tell them I needed to go away, wasn’t sure if I would be back, and that I didn’t know if I’d be able to work properly again. ! In fact, my boss & the CEO were extremely kind - and were adamant that there would be a job for me no matter what state I came back in, whenever I wanted. That was an extremely generous position to express, and meant a lot to me, and to my family.
The CEO even had a laugh with me to cheer me up. He said, with a cheeky smirk: “Around this place, people come & go all the time. We won’t miss you a bit!” I think he was being kind!
So, that conversation took place on a Thursday evening, and that weekend I checked into hospital. On the Monday I had an eight hour surgery and a couple of days in intensive care. And when I woke up I couldn’t speak, and then followed 6 months of intensive treatment.
While I was going through treatment & recovery, people from phil&teds would come and visit me. The CEO came around one cold night with a bowl of fruit and chatted with my mum. One day some other friends from work dropped off a big handmade card signed by everybody, wishing me well.
I had a lot of time to think about what I wanted from life, if I got better. Lying in bed in my hospital stays, and on the couch alone at home, I thought - what did I want most? I had a really strong feeling that I wanted to return to work, to spend my time with other people, being part of a shared sense of purpose.
Towards the end of the year I returned to work. At first, part-time, then full-time.
At first it felt great to be back at work. People were kind, and treated me just liked normal. I think it was Tom who said something like: "I haven’t seen you around for while - have you been away overseas?". I had to laugh at that!
So it felt great to be among all these people again, but then the challenge of being "normal" kicked in. At times I was tense, and didn't feel particularly capable at work - towards the end of the day I'd lose energy and find it harder to concentrate.
I also felt ashamed by my altered speech, and spoke up less. It was physically difficult for me to articulate words normally; my speech was slurred from the surgery & radiation treatment, and my voice & articulation deteriorated as I got tired. People would find it hard to understand what I was saying. I sounded like Ice Age's Sid the Sloth!
So all of that, coupled with a strong desire to prove to myself that I could do my job capably again, made me tense at work.
One day, out of the blue, the sales & customer care team made me a big red card in the shape of a t-shirt, with a message written on it in large letters: "Sales team says: RELAX!" They all signed it and said nice things to wish me well. That felt great - I'll never forget that.
----- END OF PART ONE ----
In Part 2, coming soon: How it got better - then harder - and what I learnt about finding happiness at work...